It's incredibly cocky for a man who writes one fantasy column a week (and whose only call for submissions got nothing) to suggest that anyone missed his column last week. So when I tell you that I missed my column last week, know that I'm telling you for a simple reason; so I can tell you the embarrassing reason why.

I started a fire in my kitchen.

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Lessons Learned?

If you had to ask for my hobbies in order, it's giving people bad fantasy football advice, cooking, and writing. Football games are often accompanied by me making "Sunday meals" like a heavyset woman in the south. My favorite has been slow cooked BBQ chicken and gruyere sliders. That sentence alone should tell you that either 1) I've seen "Tasty" videos before or 2) I'm decent in the kitchen.

Thursday is generally cheat meals and writing around my house. I'll try to take care of my article, and bake a delicious dinner that isn't as healthy as we normally have throughout the week. Last Thursday was more of the same; gnocchi in marinara sauce and garlic bread. Gnocchi, a super delicious pasta that has a general deliciousness that is linked to how old the person was who hand-rolled it, cooks very quickly and is a wonderful treat. Garlic bread, meanwhile, is easy to cook unless you rip the foil container apart and toss it back in.

The foil from the garlic bread met the top of the oven, and the enjoyable smell of gnocchi and bread quickly dissolved, and before I knew it we were whipping out the fire extinguisher. My fiancee would be quick to note that this is the same fire extinguisher we bought after I almost set the kitchen on fire with bacon about eight months ago. We began spraying down the entirety of the oven, ruining the garlic bread in addition to the rest of the kitchen thanks to the residual dust. So the rest of the evening was spent giving my kitchen a move-in day clean, and for days we found bits of fire extinguisher dust in the crevices we least expected it. We went to sleep on Thursday exhausted, annoyed, and genuinely entertained that we finally got to use the fire extinguisher.

Normally my stories link with up with fantasy football in some form. I've suggested how to trade, how not to trade, the general strategies and bobbles I've seen in fantasy football... this has no metaphor or lesson attached to it. Regardless of your team having or not having Alshon Jeffery or Christine Michael, do not burn your team down. Do not set fire to your team. There is no lesson here.

Running Back

Giovani Bernard will either be on my bench or will ruin my week.

Most anyone starting Gio probably has a superior option on bye, but Bernard is a hard RB to endorse this week. Increasingly removed from the running game, against a Bills run defense that has been really good in terms of yards allowed....Bernard is Bench-nard in Week 11.

Dear Spencer Ware, do you like like me? I like like you this week.

Spencer Ware owners rejoice, as the man who has made so many fantasy teams successful in spite of legitimate RB depth this season will finally be playing to full potential. After the San Francisco 49ers broke their streak of "100 yard games allowed to opposing RBs", the Tampa Bay Buccaneers hold the crown. They've allowed three straight opposing RBs 100+ yards, and Ware looks to break in here. If Ware can add a touchdown to the day, he's arguably an RB1 in Week 11.

Am I going to really start Rob Kelley in Week 11?

I'm running out of "sexy RBs with low ownership" to put in this column, but Robert Kelley has got to be in your lineup if you need RB help this week. Green Bay has left a bit to be desired when it comes to RB matchups, but they've been giving up solid rushing yards to opposing RBs without Clay Matthews. Start Kelley as the dominant back in Week 11, available in nearly 60% of Fleaflicker leagues.

Wide Receiver

Don't hand me my money back, I'm going double-or-nothing on Terrelle Pryor Sr. 

Pryor's last month hasn't been as encouraging as his season kickoff, but it's worth noting that he's not only seen at least one fourth of the targets for the struggling Cleveland Browns, but the Pittsburgh Steelers defense has been porous since their bye. The Steelers are traveling, and are likely to give up significant yardage (and potentially a score) to the WR this week.

I will be discarding my Marvin Jones and replacing him with two cards from the deck

Over 90% ownership despite not registering more than 5 completions in the last four weeks, Marvin is looking more like Quincy. The Jaguars defense has been sneaky efficient, and I'm not excited for Jones to be shadowed by Jalen Ramsey all game. Sit Jones if at all possible.

I am out of options, and will be swiping right on Tyreek Hill (owned in less than 10% of leagues)

He's tied for second-most targets among WRs in Kansas City, and with Jeremy Maclin either still injured or limited, it's time to go all in on Tyreek Hill against an already mentioned bad Tampa Bay defense. I get it, it's not ideal, but the targets and receptions are trending upward, making Hill a sneaky flex play this week.

Tight End

Parachute? I don't need no parachute, I have C.J. Fiedorowicz

People only tend to scroll down this far when they don't own a top-five TE, so if that's you, enjoy this weird whirling dervish nightmare and go with CJ here. My full fantasy analysis is..... *clears throat*... he's been good for a TD every other outing, which is this one. So if you are hurting and want at least 5 receptions with a TD, play the odds!

Don't cry kids! We will bury Lance Kendricks in the yard

Shout out to Pierre Camus, RotoBaller writer, editor, and Dolphins fan. I think that the Dolphins have their way with the insanely temperamental Rams when they travel cross country, blanking one of fantasy's favorite streamers.